I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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