I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
