My room smells like vodka and shame
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
