Well douche your snatch and let's go!
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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