You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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