im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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