im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
