God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
