I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
