How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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