The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
