i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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