you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
