After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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