why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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