New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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