Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
