i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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