My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
