By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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