I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
