Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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