I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
