I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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