I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
