She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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