My nipple is on Facebook.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
