I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
