i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
