Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
