I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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