umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
