Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
