Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
