OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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