True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
