Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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