I just pynch a tree in the face
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
