high people should be assigned attendants
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
