I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
