We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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