I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
