This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
