i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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