Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
