she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
