Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
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