I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
