If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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