well I can't set my house on fire every night
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
