I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
